I think it's time...

Today I think it's time to start/continue the grieving process. It has been a long long time since my last entry. Too damn long. So much has happened that it really is difficult to decide where to start. A started kindergarten, and he's having fun, though there is still the worry that since the school didn't test him initially like they were SUPPOSED to do, that he may be held back to P1 instead of going on to the first grade.
Other than that I guess I'll skip the petty bullshit and begin when my life changed forever. November 7th, 2006. The day I think I will always refer to as THAT day. The day started out normal. I got the boys up and A didn't have school that day because it was election day. Our Mom's Club had a trip scheduled for Martinsburg to tour a small chocolate factory. J, A and I went and picked up one of the other mom's, her little girl, and her daycare ward for the day. We all had fun at the chocolate factory, it was a very small one but it sure had the kids all buzzing about the process. Then the boys and I came home and had an easy going day. Come about 7:30P.M. I get a phone call. (I'm paraphrasing some of this) "Is this A****** T***?" "Yes it is" "This is (muffled) and I am calling because your mother is very sick, and we have called an ambulance for her, but we don't want to leave your sister here, can you come get her?" "I'll be right there!" I had just put on my jama bottoms before the phone rang, so I was quick to change Tom asked if I wanted them to come along, and I told him "No, we'll be right back, besides, it's their bedtime anyways." Boy was THAT a mistake! So anyways, they only lived 2.5 miles down the road so as you can expect I flew down there to see what was what. As I turn onto their little lane (they lived in a trailer court) I knew something was very wrong. First there was of course the ambulance...with NO lights running, and the fire trucks...with NO lights running, and a state trooper car, AND a crowd of people all standing around. One would think that all of these would have prepared me for what was about to be disclosed to me. WRONG. As I get out of the suburban I see some lady who I do not recognize point to me and say "This is her, she's here now." Then the state trooper approached me and asked if I was A****** T*** so I said yes, and then he said (again paraphrasing) "I'm afraid I've got some bad news"

Now the very first thing that ran in my mind I must admit was that something had happened to D my sis. I was in no way prepared when he said "Your mother has passed away."

I remember screaming and hitting him, trying to pull away....but that's all I really remember until I went up the few stairs to their front door. First thing I saw was my sister on her bed, sitting with some other young lady. I asked her if she was ok, and she said yes. Apparently it hadn't sunk in at all for her at that time.

(I guess I should really set the scene for you. My mother was not the most cleanliness of people when she was sick. And she had been really sick. They had moved into the tiniest two bedroom mobile home I had ever seen, and then they just used the bedrooms as storage for most of their boxes and stuff. Therefore, both of their twin bed mattresses were on the floor in the tiny little living room. They didn't think they had any heat, so they had tons of blankets piled ontop of each bed. There were dirty dishes, and full ashtrays all over the place. The kitchen sinks were plum full of yes you guessed it dirty dishes and a couple of pans. Thanks to my mother's worthless pomeranian, the whole place smelled like urine and feces. EW! There were two or three boxes of half unpacked kitchen boxes right there. So as you enter their trailer, you glance straight ahead and slightly to the right and saw their "bedroom" and if you didn't even turn your head but just glanced to the left you saw most of the kitchen. You only had to take three steps to see the entire kitchen. About the length of my mother's mattress down the wall, was her "storage room" and just down a short hall from the kitchen was their bathroom, which is apparently where Mom had died...and barely beyond that was D's "storage room." Ok, so now that the area is described, as I walked in I saw my sister, like I said with some woman, and a whole bunch of men standing around. They all started asking me questions like "Was your mom ill?", "What medications were you mom on?", "When did you see her last?", etc. Yes mom had the flu, she was on all kinds of meds, as she was bipolar, manic depressive, diabetic, migraine prone, I saw her last Friday etc, etc, etc. Now this day was a Tuesday. While they are asking me questions, I'm firing some right back at them...what happened? When? Why? Who found her? How? I was told that my sister had found my mother, but thought she had fallen asleep on the toilet, (please keep in mind D has Down Syndrome) so she left her alone for most of the day. Most of the day........... Then apparently, she realized that she needed help and opened up a window by her mattress, and started screaming "Help, help, my mom is sick!!" A neighbor heard the cries for help and contacted the court manager. The manager and her husband came down and used their master keys to get into the trailer, and they saw my mother and comforted my sister. (They didn't have my # so they called the owner of the trailer who was the mysterious voice that had called me into coming to get my sister.) After answering some questions, the emts wanted D outta there, so I told her to go and pack a bag with some of her clothes so she could come home with me. Then I called T. "Um T..."
"Yes babe."
"I was wrong, I think you better get down here."
"Why what's wrong?"
"Mom's dead."
"WHAT? What do you mean she's dead?"
"I mean she's gone, she passed away. The state trooper doesn't think I should be driving right now, and I guess I agree with him."
"We'll be right there."
"T..."
"Yeah?"
"You don't have any car seats...only A's booster."
"We'll make do, we'll be right there!"
D was done packing by now, so they took her outside to wait. They were starting to talk about taking my mom out....so I told them to wait, that I had to see her. Someone else besides D had to ID her, and I was the only family left. They (meaning all the EMT guys) didn't think it was a good idea but I insisted. They asked me to wait a minute while they cleaned her up. ??? That made me wonder a little. A man came out and said ok, you can come back now. I walked back there not sure what to really expect.
Not it a zillion years was I prepared for what my eyes saw. (As you turned to enter the bathroom, on the left there was a very small vanity, and just past that was the toilet, and then the tub against the back wall. On the right was the clothes washer and dryer. There was barely a walkway between.) Sitting on the toilet, hunched over to her right with her head down was my mother. Pants and undies down to her ankles, hair covering her face. I remember dropping down on my haunches, and brushing her hair away. It was so sad. So unreal. My mother's face was ... She looked like she had been coughing. Coughing hard. There were purple splotches throughout most of her face. Her eyes were closed almost tightly. I think I kept apologizing at that point, telling how I was sorry I wasn't there for her. How I wish I would have known how truely sick she was. How I wish she would have gone to the doctor (about a week later I got a phone call from her health clinic, they were calling to let her know that her flu shot had come in... About 5 minutes after getting off the phone with them, her doctor called me back in disbelief....saying "I had just seen her.") I told her then, that I loved her.....though I know it just fell on deaf ears, and that I would make her proud and take good care of D.

I don't even remember leaving her, but I remember telling the men that I was done saying goodbye. I saw Tom entering the trailer at that point...they were there. A was crying wanting to see Nana....he had overheard our entire conversation. T was carrying him into the trailer and I freaked...."Get him outta here....he doesn't need to see her this way!! A didn't understand of course and only wanted to hug and kiss his Nana. T took A back to the car, and came in and held me tightly... then they brought her out in a white body bag. How strange it was for me to know that in that bag was my mother. How detached I felt from reality at that point. I am not absolutely sure that I have truely felt attached to reality since.

I think this is where I need to stop for now. I'll pick back up soon, probably even this week while T is away. To all my dearest....I love you and THANK YOU for all your support!!!

Oh side note....I started smoking again that night. I need to quit. I have a goal to quit very soon. But not today.