WOW! What a truely truely long time since I have blogged!! I am not one to just write just to write about myself....but today had a REALLY rough time with something I found while packing. Actually I was packing up some art supply stuff from my closet, and while packing a box of my mother's stuff I ran across the following writing of my mom's. Of COURSE it caught my eye, and after I read it twice, I sat my hubby down and read it to him. I think it really gave his some insight to me and my mother's life together. I'll admit, it made me cry hard and really open up to my hubby about not only what was in this note, but about why I think I have weight issues....because I had an epiphany a month or two ago, that really rocked my world...so much so that I didn't share it with anyone until this morning with Tom. So buckle up this might be a bumpy ride. If I added anything I used ( ) but if she used this in her note I used (( )).

Written by Sharon July 1989
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"The Last Ten Years of Hell" (she only made it through 5 of them)

Feb 4, 1984-Moved to California-panned for gold-tried to get Darrell (my first step father) to set up goldsmithing shop-not achieved. Took regular watch over Aunt Trudie-ill. (my mother's aunt)

April 1985-Looked for a job as money was wasting away for the shop-trying to keep in bank

May 1985-Waitress job, full time, Darrell watching kids-found out he made them stay in their room all the time (while) I was at work & would only feed them cereal or sandwiches (fried balogna) (for) a week at a time while he fixed himself full course dinner. (Darrell) Did nothing but watch TV & play video games (Atari)-Thyroid gland hyper tension ((overactivity)) kicks up.

Oct 1985-Working two jobs, restaraunt then Dinner house, Darrell gets worse mind & body are all screwed up-clinging to me like a baby then run from me if I approached him. starts to work for grocery cart repair, then he has accident & is charged w/ misdemeanor man slaughter, (his work truck he was driving lost power on a busy road and before he could somehow push it to the side of the road, a motorcyclist ran right into the back of the truck. Due to the loss of power, not even the hazard lights were on, therefore it was considered involuntary manslaughter.) thyroid getting worse, but he won't go to a doctor to find out what's wrong, can't stand any more. New Year's Eve of '86 we separate.

Jan 1986- I moved in with a girlfriend. Kids want to stay with Darrell because he's sick. Darrell persuades them I don't love them. He harrasses me at work. First time I ever get fired, look for work-no money, left what was in the bank for him and the kids.

Feb 1986-New job-bartending-now I'm trash to them, a whore, a drunk, they don't want to be with me

March 1986-Persuade Darrell to sell the gold-they have to move out & I need a place to stay of my own. He takes $5000.00 I asked for $500.00. Rented 1 bedroom apartment kids will visit but don't want to live with me. Still taking care of Aunt Trudie.

June 1986-Kids decide to live w/ me. Dating Robert, they don't like him. (Robert is Robby and Cody's father....also the one who abused us all) Running errand for Darrell, a lady runs into my car-right side from door back ruined back tires, couldn't get to work as (it was) 5 miles. Fired in July. (she didn't mention that both Nell and I were in the car, and the lady almost killed my sister in the front seat. This is also the accident the messed up both my knees.)

July 1986-go to Bakersfield w/Robert to fix his parent's motor home breakdown-coming home we stopped at bar, leave (leaving) he says I have to drive, before I get off freeway-DUI car impounded etc.

Aug 1986-Back to Bakersfield for court 3 days almost. Second day gone Aunt Trudie passes away, Uncle Ralph couldn't find me, I didn't get to say goodbye as cremated next morning as she wanted.

Sept. 1986-Robert has me and kids move in his (trailer) house, I go to work at the Mine. Kids don't like it at his house as we aren't allowed anything- (as) it's their house. (we had to sleep in the living room, and all of our stuff was in storage. There was NO privacy.)

Nov. 1986 Robert kicks us out as can't stand the selfishness. Move to Copperopolis-11 miles away, can't find a job for 3 months. Now Robert wants us back. (she didn't mention that his sons HATED us, he was cheating on her-we found the used condoms, they expected US to clean up after them all the time, and his son Robby chased me with a Machete threatening to kill me!)

March 1987 Move to rental house w/Robert & kids in Soulsbyville, have a job working anytime 4-16 hrs a day. Tempers flare.

May 88-Quit job as so many tempers, ***Nika acting up Robert mind fucking w/ me starting to get violent. (Starting?? There were full on beatings at this time...)

July 88-Start work again-bartending full time. Robert has changed, drinking alot, harassing me at my job (thinks) ((I'm fucking all the men in the bar)) stays for hours watching me. It was time to split. I was ready, Robert went nuts, he loved me too much to split up.

Oct 23 1988-After work-car wreck Medivac to Modesto Doctors Hospital-broken neck, 1 1/2 days later was sent hom in Halo Vest. Next day Robert left for San Jose to work, ***Nika went to Darrell'sa w/ Nell for 2 days. I was scared-so scared I couldn't hardly get off couch or bed to go to bathroom or anything-all alone, very scared, hurt. (We were told to go to Darrell's, otherwise I would have stayed!!) They told me Iwas a terrible person for almost dying and leaving them alone, for wrecking the car, doing it on purpose, (I don't remember saying any of this but I DO remember when it happened that I was VERY ANGRY @ Robert as he had just worked on her car) Worst of all was poor Ron-I don't really know if I was to blame for him dying or his drugs or both, but they all told me I killed him, they told me and told me and told me. (I didn't even know about this other person at the time...) We lost the house, I couldn't work, had $17,000.00 in med bills God help me. I married Robert with no choice. We moved in a little travel trailer on Robert's parent's property-he kept working in San Jose-doing drugs and seeing Elaine I found out a few months after the guns & knives at my head & throat he wanted to kill me for finding out. (The little travel trailer was actually two travel trailers....Nell and I in one, and Robert and my mom in the other. It was creepy, but home. I didn't know about the weapons threatening my mother....but it WAS during this time that I did take one of those guns and put it to my own head...the only time in my life I truely contemplated suicide. The only thing that stopped me was my worry over who would take care of my sister if I wasn't around in all this madness. This is also when I started SERIOUSLY drinking.....all the time, from the moment I got on school grounds, until the buses left to take me "home" hell, Mom even bought me Schnapps, wine coolers, and beer at this time.)

April 1989-Had to get shelter w/ the homeless before he killed us. (We were put up in a Motel for a week or so, then moved in and out of friends' houses.)

July- got an apt for us girls, guess who came back begging, I'm a fool he wasn't working, no place to stay, I'm a damn fool. The sexual assault began little by little, (I would wake up on Friday, and Saturday nights well into the morning actually, with them fighting, and several times I found him naked on my mother choking her....I finally ran to a neighbor's house to call the police, we didn't have a phone, and they took him to jail. She ended up dropping the charges, saying that nothing had happened...) I'm so brain fucked by now I don't know what's happening, I do as he says or it's more physical or he will get his buddies to really take care of me. (Robert had worked as a baliff, and therefore all the local cops were his buddies, they used to harrass us everytime Mom drove anywhere...they would pull her over just to pull her over....and then let her go, or just threaten her. After awhile he somehow got the biker gang Hell's Angels involved, and there were threats from all over town that they were after my mom.) I can't go on right now there is so much I've left out or really can't write down yet.

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So my friends, here is a very intimate look at my life from 12-16. It was in December of '90 that I was taken away from my Mother's custody (THANK GOD!) placed in foster care for almost 3 months, and then sent to live with my father in Las Vegas.

Thank you for your time, and friendship!